Theres a meme circulating Facebook and its true, “Healing also means taking an honest look at the role we play in our own suffering”. As adults after a certain point, it becomes less about what the other person did to us and why we allowed it to go on as long as we did. It takes a deep level of both compassion and brutal honesty to look inwards like this but the rewards are well worth it. In order to solve a problem we first must acknowledge there is one.
Sometimes we stay in relationships or other situations that we know aren’t good for us are healthy but we stay anyway. We stay out of fear based reasons: we dont want to be alone, we arent sure we can make it on our own, we arent sure better is available to us, or maybe we feel beholden due to sunk costs. I get it, change can be scary and hard. However, in staying in these situations that dont serve us we perpetuate our own suffering. For example, if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who cant or wont meet your emotional needs and you try several times to address this with them to no avail, the ball is now in your court. You cannot change anyone or make them be what you wished they were. You can ONLY change yourself. At this point, you can choose to cut your losses and eventually move on to a relationship that does meet your needs, or you can remain in the familiar but unfulfilling situation where your needs very well may never be met on a satisfactory level. If you choose to stay despite your better judgement, that is the role you play in your own suffering. If you take a serial cheater back after they have cheated on you three times, you are playing a role in your own suffering. When you settle for less than you need and deserve, you play a role in your own suffering.
This may not be an easy thing to realize, but realizing it and owning it comes with great power. We get to become our own hero. We are in the drivers seat of our lives. We can say “yes” to allowing ourselves happiness. We can kick people out of our lives unapologetically when we need to, or simply because they arent a good fit for us. We dont need to be a martyr for anyone. We do, however, need to be there for ourselves. No one can save us but ourselves. People can guide, advise, and inspire us along the way but at the end of the day, we are all we got. Life becomes so much easier once you truly get on your own team.
Please dont beat yourself up or blame yourself. That solves nothing. When you were in school did you learn best by a teacher screaming at you and telling you were stupid? No one does. I believe we are all doing the best we can with what we know. Cut yourself some slack, and at the same time, step up and start being your own hero today.
From someone who believes in you,
Miss Reina 💖