Ah, we’ve all heard about how some ladies are drawn like a moth to a flame to the “wrong types”, bad boys (or girls if thats what you like), jerks, etc and heard the saying that “women like assholes”. Perhaps we ARE one of these said ladies ourselves, routinely finding ourselves with the wrong people. If youd like an idea as to maybe why this keeps happening, and how to find yourself in more satisfying situations, read on!
💖Its not your fault💖
Yes, thats right. Its not your fault. Your consistent attraction to the wrong people is a result of subconscious programming that happened a long time ago, in a different place. It was nothing you had control over or knew was happening. Much of this foundation was laid in childhood by our early caregivers. Like it or not, the relationship our parents had with each other and how they treated us greatly shaped our ideas of what love looks like and what we feel we deserve. We tend to carry these ideas with us well into adulthood without giving it much thought. Then in comes our first love. This relationship can carry a lot more weight when it comes to imprinting than you think. Its not uncommon for this relationship to cast a shadow on your future relationships from that point forward. And it makes sense. You want to recreate the powerful and influential feelings that this particular person evoked in you. Its not uncommon to develop a “type” after your first love. Youre looking for that person in others. Where its beautiful to feel so deeply and be affected by someone so deeply, this can seriously work against you if your “type” tends to come with a lot of baggage or be fundamentally incompatible with you. If the examples you saw empowered you, youre good to go. But if it “aint workin for ya”, you have some work to do.
Please dont beat yourself up. Please dont blame yourself, or anyone else for that matter. A lot of animal species imprint. Birds do it. So do humans–we are animals too, just at the top of the food chain. When we imprint, it doesnt matter if the example was good or bad, our subconscious registers the template and programs us to seek it out over and over. Until we recognize it and reprogram, that is. So please don’t think all hope is lost or that you are a lost cause. It doesnt matter how long we have done things a certain way. If we find that this way doesnt work for us, we can change it. We do have that power. When we are stuck it doesnt seem that way. Well intentioned advice becomes empty cliches. Trust me, as someone who was in this very position for 15 years.
💖How do we change?💖
Im not gonna sit here and be the umpteenth person to suggest dating people you arent attracted to or to fake it til you make it. I get it, you like what you like because you just like it. Squares are boring, unless youre a square yourself. And if youre into “bad boys”, you probably arent all that square. I get it. You dont want to end up with a square or with someone youre “meh” about. And you shouldnt. My advice is dont worry about changing your type. My advice is to LOVE YOURSELF MORE. TODAY. That is what I believe the solution to this problem to be. When you love yourself more, your vibration raises. You tolerate far less BS, and teach people how to treat you by setting the lead. Teach em well. When you love yourself more, being around people who dont value you or value you far less than you value yourself, almost feels like a violation to your soul. When youre vibrating at a loving and self loving frequency, you literally vibrate out of the lower vibrational orbit. And yes, this works. I have done it. If you love yourself more, you see things differently and people will see you differently as well. Self love is your protective armor in the battlefield of life. And it WILL protect you from the Mr and Mrs Wrongs in life. Decide TODAY that you are DONE with brokenness and mean it. Thats all you have to do right now. But you have to mean it. Start out as small as you need to. But start making self affirming decisions today. It can be as simple as ordering water at a restaurant instead of a soda or beer. Start taking loving care of yourself in small ways, then slowly work up to bigger things, until you find yourself setting big boundaries, like “hell no you aint driving MY car with no license after having 3 shots. Who TF do you think I am?? A clown?” It probably will feel uncomfortable at first, but keep pushing. You can do this and you owe it to yourself and any kids you may have. When we get to a tipping point of self love, our tastes DO change on their own. The cliche is correct. This happened to me and I went from only wanting to date drug dealers (thanks, first love!) to realizing that the world isnt just thugs and squares. Theres an awful lot of gray area in between that falls into neither box but makes a much more suitable match. And yes, this realization came after I decided I was done with brokenness. I had no idea how this was going to work, and a little scared, but I did know that the path I had been on for 15 years WASNT working.
💖”Hows that workin for ya?”💖
How has your current MO been working? Has it brought you what you wanted? Was your last relationship or your current one how you envisioned your love life? If you have children, do you want them to be in a relationship like the ones you have? If the answer to any or all of these is no, you CAN make the commitment today to love yourself more. Trust me, living in resentment toward your partner for not treating you the way you need or for having to pick up their slack more often than not is no way to live. If you routinely look at your partner and think, in the words of Willie from Geto Boys, “ya mama should be embarrassed and ya daddy shoulda pulled out”—you are not with the right person. And this is not the best way you can spend your life, or set your kids up to spend their lives when they grow up. You owe it to yourself to love yourself into a better situation, and you can. And lastly, for the single readers I will end on this note, “If youre single, dont worry about finding someone better than your ex. Be a better you, and a better you will attract a better next.”
Love someone who believes in you,
Miss Reina 💖